If this is a valid celebration of our independence, I'll take slavery.

     One of my favorite holidays has always been The Fourth Of July.  It is a patriotic day to celebrate the freedom our country enjoys, along with all the people who have helped to preserve that liberty-but I've never let that bother me!  Despite all the patriotic claptrap that goes along with The Fourth Of July, it's always been one of my favorite holidays.  The summer weather, the fireworks, the BBQ-I love it all. The Fourth of July embodies the spirit of summer; happy childhood memories excite me as much as the possibility for forging new memories.
     Yet as the years have passed, I've noticed an alarming trend: as each year has passed, the freedoms we enjoy on The Fourth of July become increasingly diminished.  While I've heard it might only be a west coast thing, each year more and more cities are outlawing one of the United State's favorite traditions-fireworks.  In fact, it's been a long time since I've lived somewhere that I could set off fireworks.
     Believe me, I'm well aware of the arguments of the anti-fire people.  "WHAAAAAA MY KID BLEW HIS FINGER OFF!  WHAAAAAAAA I SET MY HOUSE ON FIRE!  WHAAAAAA I KILLED MYSELF!"  The whining and complaining never stops.  The way I see it, a few maimed children and charred houses is a small price to pay for all the joy that fireworks bring people all across the nation.  If we stopped doing things just because a few people got hurt, there would be no more sports, no more roller coasters, no more sex and no more serial killing.  It's a slippery slope, people.
     But I digress-fireworks are cool! I have a lot of fun memories of burning my fingers with sparklers and burning up my GI Joe action figures and just generally burning things.  I like to burn things.  The flame goddess sings to me.  She sings a song of burning vengeance upon all those who have wronged me.  THEY SHALL PAY!  OH YES THEY SHALL PAY!!!!!. . .um.. . anyway, here are some of my favorite fireworks:

• Sparklers

  Sparklers have always been a favorite of the typical American favorite. Sparklers are sticks covered with some sort of thing that makes them spark when lit. (it's a creative name)  They are famous for burning little kids hands.  Other than that, they're pretty tame and are only used either before you set off any of the good fireworks, or after all the good ones are gone.

   

• Piccolo Petes

  After a google image search, it became apparent that Piccolo Petes were named after some character from that weird-ass Dragon Ball Z cartoons.  Anime aside, Piccolo Petes are famous for making a whole hell of a lot of noise.  As a typical stupid American, I have always been fascinated by their loud noise and pretty sparks, so I always find these a great time.  These are also great for turning docile house pets into sadistic people killing machines.

   

• Pinnwheels

  Pinwheels are contraptions that you connect to a fence, side of a barn or cow or something.  They spin around and shoot sparks all over the place putting out eyes and burning down structures.  They're fun for all.

   

   

• Friendship Pagodas

  These are always a trip.  On the package, they usually show some ornate Japanse Pagoda that looks like it will be large enough to hide you from your scary relatives.  In reality, the pagoda doesn't even usually pop more than half way open.  But it's still a fun idea.

     If you're somewhere that hasn't fallen under the totalitarian regime of safety, set off a few fireworks for me. If you're in the same predicament as I am, well, I'll see you at the big city-ran fireworks show.   Either way, I hope you have a great Fourth of July.