I think this is one of those "hilarious" internet comics.  Uh.  Whatever. Fuck you, google for making me see this.
     I like to drive.  The problem is, quite honestly, I'm not very good at it.  Although I haven't killed or maimed anyone yet (but not through lack of trying!) I'm not exactly Mr. Joe. Stuntdriver.
     As much as I hate old people, there's one thing I admire about them: their driving skills.  Despite being the strapping young lad that I am in my crack-induced fantasies, those wrinkled, decrepit, bengay-smelling ancient bastards actually have a good idea in this instance.  I observe the speed limit; I put my hands on 9 and 2.  Maybe it's because I don't drive very often.  Maybe it's because I'm a pussy.  But for whatever reason, I drive pretty much like they teach you in driving school.
     You're probably saying to yourself "what the fuck, who cares about rick's driving skills-fuck this I'm going to stile project to jack off to Asian chick's with distended anuses."  If you were actually interested in this article, though, you'd say "Rick, you don't sound like a bad driver if you drive pretty much like they teach you in driving school."  The keyword there is "pretty much."  There's a few things I really don't care to do when I'm driving.  You know that whole "check your mirrors" thing?  I'm not really into that.  I LIVE MY LIFE AT 30MPHS AND I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES.  I mean I figure if it wasn't safe to change lanes, some kindly citizen will honk or perhaps flip me off.  Plus I mean that whole "objects may be closer than they appear" thing really confuses the fuck out of me.  I sit there and think about objects being closer then they are in the mirror...I think about how it's just like our memories appear to be closer than they are in this bitter, cruel, society.  Oh wait, I don't.  I'm not a goth.  Actually I pretty much just look to see if the driver behind me is hot chick, otherwise I don't really pay much attention.

NO NO COMRADE, DO NOT PULL TOO FAR AHEAD OF DONKEY KONG!!  EVERYONE MUST BE EQUAL OR THE PROLETARIAT WILL BE UPSET AND MARIO SHALL BE EATING GRUEL IN SIBERIA!!!

     Another driving situation that puts me in danger is my lack of attention to the things on the road at time.  Usually I am very attentive.  I have a mile wide stare that would make a psychotic, rambling Vietnam veteran proud.  But I get bored.  I know that "red light means stop, green light means go," but it gets mundane after awhile.  And all those signs.  Always yellow.  Can't we mix it up a little?  Mastering a rolling two ton machine of death just isn't enough for me.  Even BUMPIN MY SYSTEM DOGG isn't enough.  I think it's all those video games I played growing up; it's become my only frame of reference.  Is it really fair to expect me to focus on driving without homing missiles and land mines?  I think if they made driving more like video games, I'd be all right.  Well, as long as it wasn't one of those pussy games like Mario Kart 64.  Mario Kart 64 is perhaps the most communistic game ever fuckin' created.  I mean christ, they constantly give the last place players all the good items to let them catch up.And no, I don't think that because I'm bad at the game. I actually am quite good.  I was good enough to win one of those Nintendo Power prizes.  I just fuckin hate how I'd be winning and one of those loser bastards would get lightening and catch up to me.  Man fuck that shit.  I hate that game, yo.
     Anyway.  I've tried to do a few things to improve my driving:      Come on people, it's not rocket science.