Updated December 23rd

Surviving Your Crazy Family

     As is the tradition on Motards every Christmas, I present to you a story that originally ran in my school newspaper way back in 1997.
     It's that time of year again; a time of happiness, a time of giving and gifts, and understanding of your fellow man . . .unless of course that fellow man happens to be a family member.  For some inexplicable reason, thousand upon thousands of people will be torturously forced (although I have head there are some, s&m fanatics most likely, that enjoy spending time with there family, although, I have yet to come across these people) to spend time with those evil maniacal evil festering fiends otherwise know as "family".  I know what you're thinking. . .how am I going to make it through this trying time?  Well, hopefully, these tips will help you in your quest.
  1. Create Distance.
        It's vital that you put as much distance between you and the psycho family as possible.  Unfortunately, there are family elders, such as parents, and grand parents, that make this very difficult.  So it's going to take some creativity to over come this obstacle.  Find excuses to go out to the garage a lot; your family may think you're crazy, brushing your teeth in the garage a lot, but hey, it's better then hearing grandpa babble on about some obscure thing called "World War 2" (whatever that is)
  2. Make your family think you're crazy
        Yes, your family is crazy, I know.  But, they're in denial about there insanity.  So if you fake crazy then they'll back up.  Learn to talk incessantly to your invisible friend "Charlie the 8 foot Tuna"  Take up flying kites late at night.  Open the freezer door, put a pillow in there, turn to grandma and say "I'm just gonna lay down for a bit."  Occasionally walk up to your cat and gnaw on it a little bit.  Before you know it, your family problems will be just a distant memories.
  3. Come Down With a Serious disease
        Hmm. . .is there a rare virus going around that will prevent you from spending any time with your family during the holidays, yet will miraculously disappear when it's time for you go out for new years? Yep, for those of us with enough insight to discover it.
  4.   Spend a lot of time between with your friends
        You know, there are actually some families out there that are functional and a pleasure to be with.  I swear!  I've seen them. . .and they're a blast to be with.  If you ever find one, and they allow you to hang with them, take every opportunity.  On second thought, even if they're not all that great, hang with them; after all, someone else's crazy family is a lot better than your crazy family.
  5. Take up substance Exploration
        I know, not really the type of advice I usually give, but, desperate times require desperate measures.
  6. Explore the wonderful world of reclusive solitude.
        Yep, nothing quite like the life of a hermit. . .imagine all that peace and quietness.  You can get a nice mountain in Montana.  You're asking, "won't I get lonely?"  Sure, so get a computer, and make some friends online.  That way, when it gets to be too much, you can just turn the computer off, and have peace.
  7. Volunteer  at a soup kitchen.
        Your crazy family is probably far too selfish to volunteer at the local soup kitchen.  Heh, you're probably too selfish to volunteer at a soup kitchen.  But, hey it'll get you away from your family, and you'll be helping your fellow man. Hopefully, this little bit of advice will make your family life a little more bearable.  I understand how trying a crazy family can be.  But, the important thing to remember, that unless you want to spend time in prison or a mental institution, then it's best to just learn to live with them.