Old Article

Updated August 10th

Public Transportation.

This is the Ronstadt Center in Tucson, AZ; I have many of my bus adventures here. This picture is not whole accurate, though. This picture must have been taken during a U of A NCAA tournament game, as there are no gang members, hobos or transsexuals mugging, panhandling or raping innocent Tucson Citizens. Of course, "innocent" in Tucson is rather relative.

It's no secret that public transportation sucks. Perhaps, with the exception of dirty, sloppy hippies, there isn't a single person on earth that enjoys public transportation. Unfortunately, for some people, it occasionally becomes necessary. Usually it's necessary because these people spend most of their money on booze and/or crack. Due to this fact, most of the people you meet on the bus aren't exactly the type of people you'd like to come across in a dark alley at night. Actually, you probably wouldn't want to come across these people at high noon in a church, surrounded by a team of bodyguards as adept as Kevin Costner. I've been riding the city busses for years (I spend all my money on crack). I've rode the relatively clean Orange County busses to Los Angeles busses, which literally are the worst in the world (they came in LAST. Apparently, despite having no food, Somalia has better public transportation than LA). Currently I ride the public busses in Tucson (they fall somewhere in the middle). As many busses as I've experienced in my life, I've come to realize that public transportation generally attracts the same types of people wherever you go (now, I'm sure some of you will send me e-mails to tell me how wonderful the busses are in Seattle or New York or whatever, but quite frankly I don't give a fuck; details like that ruin my article and I'm not concerned with such things as "facts"). These people are truly the dregs of society.

Hobo: These are the most common types of bus riders. I really don't understand why they're riding the bus. It would probably be much cooler outside (I think long ago, someone replaced the Air Conditioners on busses with those beef jerky dehydrator machines you see on infomercials at three AM). It's not like they're heading off to work, and is one dumpster really all that different from the next? They generally sit wherever they fall down after boarding the bus.
Old Person: The old person is almost completely indiscernible from the hobo; they both smell, they both are likely drunk, they both generally don't have anywhere to go. The only difference is that the old person ALWAYS sits at the front of the bus.
Middle Aged Guy Going To AA Meeting: These guys are heading to the AA meetings on a bus because after seven DUIs and Vehicular Manslaughter, they are no longer allowed to drive. These people also generally smell because they only have one shirt that has some trite catch phrase from the eighties on it. These guys are also horribly talkative and have a bad habit of calling everyone "brother." They sit in the middle of the bus. They also will hit on "Ugly Middle Aged Former Drug Addict Working In Fast Food" the second they board the bus.
Ugly Middle Aged Former Drug Addict Working In Fast Food: These women ride the bus because they spent all their money for transportation, food and child support on crack. They are easily identifiable as they are wearing their fast food uniform on the bus. Sometimes they are accompanied by screaming children. They sit in the middle of the bus.
Gang Member: You rarely come across one gang member at a time. You generally come across a GANG of them (HAHA, GET IT? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I SAID THAT THERE'S A GANG OF THEM AND THEY ARE CALLED GANG MEMBERS!!). Gang Member(s) really doesn't take well to public transportation, and he's very vocal about that fact. He might yell at the bus driver for being a fat slob or at the hobo for being a skinny slob. Yet perhaps we should cut him slack, as he obviously has a difficult life. Often he complains about how his baby momma's a whore; he also seems to find it quite difficult to find good clothing in his color of choice; he also laments on how he just hates how commercial N*Sync's gotten. Gang Member, despite his seemingly antisocial nature, decorates the bus with beautiful artistic representations of his nickname, which often ends in a z (how cutting edge!), or helpful messages like "fuck tha po po," "420 4 lyfe" and "Lucita es un perrita." As a rule, they sit at the back of the bus.
Ghetto Guy: Ghetto guy is identifiable on the bus as the guy who sits in the back blaring his headphones while gyrating erratically in time to his music (the whigger version of ghetto guy also will randomly finger-point and mouth the words of the music). You might be tempted to grab a tongue depressor to keep him from swallowing his tongue, but worry not: he's not having a seizure, he's simply FEELIN THA BEAT YO. Ghetto Guy doesn't like the bus very much. He spends most of his time talking about how he'd rather be riding in his SIX FO but it's in the shop. Sure it is. Honestly though, if Ghetto Guy spent less money on fake gold and sterling silver, he probably would be able to afford a nice Honda Civic.
Chattery Jailbait girl: These girls are too young to have learned to manipulate males into taking them wherever they need to go. These girls are like Gazelles on the Serengeti: they are prey to everyone from Ghetto Guy to Middle Aged Guy Going To An AA Meeting. This is partly because they usually seem lost on the bus and quite often they get off on the wrong stop and end up trying to flag down the bus that just dropped them off in front of the local Crack House. They normally sit in the front of the bus in hopes that the tweaked out bus driver will protect them from the preying pedophiles; the occasional brave one will venture towards the back of the bus to flirt with the Gang Member.
Mildly Attractive Female: The mildly-attractive female is quite the rare species. Generally, they only ride the bus when they need to see their parole officer, or if they're going to the continuation school that allows them to bring their baby to class. These girls are as skittish as a virgin in a Ron Jeremy movie and never venture past the first two or three seats on the bus.

Public transportation is a scary thing, folks. It's for that reason that I advocate the euthanization of all impoverished people on the planet. All you'd have to do is pump some nerve gas into the bus and turn up the beef jerky machine. I realize that this would take me out, too; at least I wouldn't have to ride the bus anymore.