Updated July 17th

The Slurp & Gulp Conspiracy

. . .and on this day we remember little jimmy.  His mom always told him to take small, manageable bites.  If only he had listened.	Everybody vouge!	This is both frightening and erotic.
I won't pretend I understand this . . .	. . .or this.  This guy is actually more annoying still than moving.	That's not the only thing she sucks. . .or is it a he? The picture's too small to tell.

     You're probably wondering what the hell all those preceding images have to do with each other.  Seemingly, other than their inherent idiocy, it seems they have nothing in common.  However, they are just tiny pieces of a massive conspiracy that threats to bring our nation to its knees like Mike Piazza on "Foot Long Night."  More menacing than Black Helicopters, more diabolical than the Assignation of JFK, The Slurp & Gulp conspiracy is threatening the very freedom our forefathers fought and died for; Therefore, much like Abraham Lincoln successfully defeated Hitler during the Revolutionary War, I will do whatever it is to beat back this conspiracy.      The Slurp & Gulp seems to be quite an ingenious invention.  It is a cup that is designed to contain both the delicious Slurpee beverage as well as thirty-two ounces of your favorite soda (not pop, you east coast communist bastards).  In a perfect world, this would no doubt be an invention akin to the wheel.  However, we live in a cold, cruel and dark world.  In its fully assembled incarnation, the Slurp & Gulp appears to be something that you could bring home to your mothers, wives (all of them!), children and maybe (if they're good) your bastard step-children who you keep in your basement.  Unscrew the cap though, and the truth quickly becomes apparent.  Look at the picture on the left.  That's the portion of the Slurp & Gulp that contains the Slurpee.  Now, tell me what that looks like to you.   Exactly.  It looks like a damn ...umm...feminine self-pleasure assistant (well. at least your daughters and wives will love you!).
     Now there's nothing wrong with selling things like that.  Hell, they could put them in vending machines for all I care.  I just would like 7-11 to come out and admit that they're selling feminine self-pleasure assistants in their store.  This whole "half slurpee/half big gulp" thing is an insult to my intelligence.  When I decided to write an article on this subject, it was going to be a cute article about how the Slurp & Gulp looked like a female pleasure device.  However, as you can see, my webcam is rather blurry; the pictures taken by it look like those videos they show on the news before you see a gang of cops smash a sixteen year old black guy's face into the hood of a police car.  Therefore, I figured it would be a great idea to use the friendly Google Image Search to find some images of the Slurp & Gulp for the article.  The pictures displayed at the beginning of this article are the results of my search.  Do you find it strange, that the entire world wide web, home to thousands..well...hundreds. . ..well . ..five quality websites and millions of wigger, animal porn, money making scheme, Nelly Fan and .Wiggers-Having-Sex-With-Animals-With-Nelly-Midis-As-Background-Music-Money-Making-Theme sites on the 'net.that there's not one picture of a Slurp & Gulp?  That was pretty strange.  But I needed stuff for the article, so I decided to continue my search.

He looks quite familiar with the process of Slurping & Gulping

     So I went to 7-11.com to find some information on the Slurp & Gulp there.  I went through every damn page they have about their products on the site looking for information on the product.  No dice.  Then I used the friendly "search" box on the top of their site.  Still no luck.  It was at this point that I realized that something fishy was going on.  Why the hell would 7-11 not want to mention anything about their fabulous product on their site?  I mean you can't go into the store without getting inundated with this stupid product: shouldn't that hold true for the website as well?  Apparently not.  I decided to continue my search.  This time I used the regular google search.  look what I found:

7-Eleven: News Room - News Release Article
... Back to News Release Archive 7-Eleven® Thinks Two Drinks Are Better In One Cup.
Slurp & Gulp™ Features Slurpee® On The Inside, Big Gulp® On The Outside. ...
www.7-eleven.com/newsroom/articles.asp?p=2170 - 31k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached

RetailWire...Plug in.
... Cancer, (2). 7/11/02, P&G to Change Sunny D Label,
(3). 7/9/02, 7-Eleven Combines Slurp with Gulp, (3).
7 ...
www.ideabeat.com/ - 49k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached

popmag.com
... Eleven Offers Two Drinks in One JULY 10, 2002 -- 7-Eleven has introduced Slurp &
Gulp, a new beverage container that holds both a 22-ounce Slurpee semi-frozen ...
www.popmag.com/ - 26k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached - Similar pages

popmag.com
... 7-Eleven Offers Two Drinks in One 7-Eleven has introduced Slurp & Gulp, a new beverage
container that holds both a 22-ounce Slurpee semi-frozen carbonated ...
www.popmag.com/pointofpurchase/headlines/index.jsp - 29k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached - Similar pages

Sex Slurp Gulp
Click here to go to this gallery.
www.bondageplace.com/cgi-bin/ tgpcount.cgi?action=go&num=3974 - 1k - Cached - Similar pages

Clinton Lewinsky Sex Scandal Special (Jokes) - Sick/Twisted Jokes
... A: The White House pool table. **** Q: What goes
slurp, slurp, slurp, gulp? A: Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence. ...
sickjokes.about.com/library/weekly/blbill1a.htm - 38k - Cached - Similar pages

Chicago Sun-Times - Lewis Lazare
... area stores. The chain also will unveil its new, charmingly named Slurp & Gulp
drink, a whopping 22-ounce Slurpee and 32-ounce soft drink in one container. ...
www.suntimes.com/index/lazare.html - 37k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached - Similar pages

CHUM
... natural next step. But will the multitudes who regularly stop to
phone, slurp, and gulp be moved to surf? Doubtful. The Net has ...
www.redherring.com/mag/issue49/chum.html - 29k - Cached - Similar pages

Beyond Ben Bulben 1998 Bad Joyce entries
... They grab wedged lumps of cheesey globs between filthy filthy fingernails-uncut-chomp-sucking
Coke-slurp slurp gulpy gulp. Scatter ...
www.geocities.com/benbulben.geo/ 1998Jamesonbadjoyce.html - 9k - Cached - Similar pages

7-Eleven celebrates its 75th year
... the stores, increasing advertising and introducing new products, from coffee bars
to Go-Go Taquitos and the Slurp & Gulp, a combination soft drink and Slurpee. ...
www.freep.com/money/business/7elev10_20020710.htm - 24k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached

xxxfemales.com, horny teen laps up the cum from a big cock slurp ...
xxxfemales.com, horny teen laps up the cum from a big cock slurp gulp, xxxfemales.com,
horny teen laps up the cum from a big cock slurp gulp, fatcunts, free sex ...
www.coolinterests.com/bondage-brittany.jpg.html - 3k - Cached - Similar pages

 

I, Jack by Jack Perry - Diary of a Dog - Children's book
... Hop over the back seat to where its comfy, lie down. Oh yum, here is
half a pasty from yesterday... slurp, snortle, gulp. Yum. Jack! ...
www.gooddogjack.co.uk/diary-3.html - 8k - Cached - Similar pages

Untitled
... Does she really swallow all that cum or is it just a sham?" Then I
slurp and gulp your big hot load and you say: "She's the BEST! ...
soiroom.hyperchat.com/snowball/ - 3k - Cached - Similar pages

store
... All colors come in 16oz jar. Only $42.99! (members get a 25% discount!).
Slurp, slurp Gulp, gulp!! Another video with the meaty Jeff! ...
imanympho.com/store.htm - 13k - Cached - Similar pages

Luau
... Ummm ... yum .... good fish sticks and the shrimp is scrumptuous slurp,
slurp, smack, gulp. There's Smokey and Playful coming over to see me. ...
members.cox.net/henfrey/luau/luau4.htm - 4k - Cached - Similar pages

horny teen laps up the cum from a big cock slurp gulp stud eats ...
CLICK HERE stud eats tasty asian pussy top cock japanese babe ready to be fucked
horny teen laps up the cum from a big cock slurp gulp look at these melons. ...
www.speedysports.com/Nici-girla.html - 3k - Cached - Similar pages

I am the standard...
(Munch, crunch, slurp, chewsh, GULP!). ...
www.themanfromhunger.com/HUNGERFiles/ TheStandard/TheStandard-3c.html - 8k - Cached - Similar pages

Bill Clinton Jokes -- newest jokes on top
... He was the president after Bush. What goes slurp, slurp, gulp? Monica Lewinsky withholding
evidence. What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? ...
joecasaletto.com/jokes/clinton.htm - 14k - Cached - Similar pages

The Press Democrat, Sonoma County, California: Latest headlines ...
... 2002, 08:02 AM 7-Eleven(R) Thinks Two Drinks Are Better in One Cup; Slurp & Gulp(TM)
Features Slurpee(R) on the Inside, Big Gulp(R) on the Outside MON Jul 08 ...
www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/ ind_display.pl?Account=FOD&Template=pressdem.menu - 42k - 15 Jul 2002 - Cached - Similar pages

THE VARIABLE WILLOUGHBY #15
... HMMM... WHERE DID I PUT MY DIPPER? HERE IT IS. SOUND OF SCOOPING WATER, SLURP,
AND GULP. THEN THE CLOSER CALL OF THE DOG OWNER. DOG OWNER: CINNAMON! ...
www.comedyorama.com/script/WP15DR6.htm - 58k - Cached - Similar pages

     Now here's something interesting.  There IS an article about the Slurp & Gulp on the 7-11 website.  Isn't it strange that it's hidden on their website though?  Indeed, it seems that the business world has noticed the Slurp & Gulp.  Yet NOWHERE in any of the articles that I read did I find anything that mentioned the inherent sexuality of the Slurp & Gulp.  Why the hell not?  Note that in the first twenty returns, the search found pages about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky and Triple 'x' sex.  It's BLATANTLY OBVIOUS.  Why is no one saying anything about it?  Apparently even the respectable business news writers, much like they did with Enron, have allowed themselves to be shrilled by a corporate an amazingly powerful corporate conglomerate into ignoring the truth!  Either that or they're adults and too mature to speak of that sort of thing.  IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!.
     Now, I've been speaking about the Slurp & Gulp in my web journal (you can get your own at www.melodramatic.com) for a couple weeks.  The amazing amount of response that I got about the Slurp & Gulp is what inspired me to write more.  Just look at some of the responses I got:

angelique Date: @312 Jul.13.2002 11:29:20pm pst   . . . i'll be honest with you, when i saw that pic, i was qwondering why you'd be posting a pic of a - oh what was that delicately phrsed term you used - female pleasure device . . . ewlyn Date: @390 Jul.12.2002 01:21:52am pst   Slurp and gulp?! Eewwwww... I need to go get one! Too much fun!!! *L* It even has a name which could be associated with something sexual. Leave it to 7-11 to come up with the oddest combinations... mmm... blueberry slurpy... leena_wolfmoon Date: @148 Jul.08.2002 07:33:32pm pst   yes i got one of those 7-11 things too, and YES it does look like a female pleasure device :))

    Well there you have it. The Slurp & gulp is inherently sexual.  We can't let 7-11 hide that fact.  Tell all your friends!  Tell your Senators!  Tell your Clergymen!  Tell your caseworkers in the nice institution they put you in!  The truth has to be known