Updated June 17th by Rick

Insects


I used google image search for pictures for this article. Wow, it sure is effective.
     There's a lot of hippie propaganda out there these days telling us that we need to accept all the different beings out there on the planet.  They state that everything thing is equal, and we should respect all of the creatures on Earth.  They even want us all to accept insects ( What's next?  The negros?)! Why can't they see that insects are evil and need to be destroyed?  
     Don't believe me? Well let me tell you a little story.   It's a story filled with much sadness and tragedy.  Indeed, this event scared me so much that it was many many minutes before I was able to relate it.  But, six hours later, I finally believe that I'm ready.  

This treacherous bug is nearly invisible due to his lack of color. Oh, it's a drawing? My bad.
     It was a warm night in Tucson Arizona.   Even at eight PM, it was still probably above one hundred degrees.  Most people wouldn't brave the heat like I would to simply play basketball.  But as you will see as this story progresses, I am quite brave.  It was an arduous journey to the basketball courts.  Nearly half a mile.  It's amazing I survived.  I did though. 
     The basketball courts are near a local church those suckers actually put up new nets every few months on the court.  Also, you can turn on flood lights to play on a lighted court.  What suckers!  Sure, they give me weird  looks when I tell nine year olds that "if you spit on me I'm going to break your head," but I'm sure they love having such an accomplished and brave ball player on their courts.
     I flipped on the aforementioned lights and approached the court.  I had no idea that tonight was going to be a fight for my life.  So I simply eased into my normal Sunday night routine.  Sure, it might seem mundane to some, but this sort of play has led me to all-star levels of one-player basketball (I have never lost!).  All in all, the shots were falling all right.  I had a few spectators (well, it was one guy who seemed to be waiting for a ride, but things aren't always as they seem, as he obviously attracted by my greatness!)  so I was hamming it up a little.  Perhaps that was my mistake.  Perhaps that's what attracted the menace.  A menace so menacing, that he was, well: menacing.

This is a good representation of my adversary. Although he was probably five hundred times bigger. Or maybe not.
     I hit a fabulous shot. Perhaps, that, was the villains motivation. It's so sad what jealousy can do to people. But, all of a sudden, I was under attack! The monster went right for my neck.  Yet, his aim, quite fortunately, was false (see! jealousy and anger clouded his mind)  The vile slimy creature landed on my left shoulder.  I wasn't sure what happened though.  I was getting the reboun-errrr-I was getting the ball as it fell through the net, so I thought that perhaps the keys were falling off my neck.  So I simply shrugged my shoulders.  Then I felt something on my finger.  I looked down.  Upon my left index finger was an insect that had to be about two inches long.  Since I am from California, I had never seen such a creature.  You see, in California, our destruction of the environment has nearly defeated this evil race of insects.  However, I now live in Arizona and I am rambling so perhaps I should get back on the subject!  I digress.  The large bug was on my finger making noise. 
     "What the fuck!" I called out. No, my friends, it was not out fear.  I observed my enemy and I knew that hearing my battle cry would make sure he knew I meant business and that he had messed with the wrong person.  The creatures still remained upon my finger.  It was merely seconds, but it seemed like hours.   There was no way this could continue.  I deftly shook the disgusting thing off my finger. It was a wise move. 
     The creature hesitated to strike when he had me in a perilous position.  Now he was on the cold cement, surely stunned from my amazing maneuver.  I briefly observed my enemy, and quickly got into my fighting stance (which, due to too much television and video games, is an amalgamation of a south paw boxer and Ryu from Street Fighter II).  I would not hesitate to strike.
     I attacked my enemy with an awesome left-footed-roundhouse kick.  Apparently, my enemy was weak, because the blow was a brutal one.  Guts spewed out the sides of the evil arthropod.  Yet it still moved.  Not for long, though-I rose my foot high into the air and stomped down mightily upon my foe.  He would move no more.
     My enemy was dead. I was victorious. Yet, I did not have time rest upon my laurels.  His vile corpse was still contaminating the court.  I could not imagine my precious basketball touching his grotesque innards.  So, as much as I loath beating a dead horse (or, in this case, dead insect), I punted the fallen villain into the dirt field surrounding the court.  I proceeded to ball, until I observed a metal pole.  I had an idea!  I grabbed the metal pole and smashed the infidel insect into a yucky mush that probably would be enjoyed by some hippie.  Despite my early objections, beating a dead insect was very satisfying.  Perhaps I can find a dead horse to beat now (or, if it is a live horse, I will beat it until it is a dead horse).

Google image search brings us the picture of this vile bug.
     So, what lesson does that teach you all? That I'm a crazy, raving psychotic? Yes. But, it should also teach you that bugs are evil and need to be stomped.  And, what else is evil?  Why, terrorists, of course-therefore, these bugs must be terrorists.  It is your civic duty as an American to fight the war on terrorism and exterminate these terrorist wherever you may find them.  As these bugs are terrorists, I have petitioned President Bush to suspend our rights to leave exit our homes, as bugs are usually outside.  We all know the only way to fight terrorism is to suspend articles of The Bill of Rights.  THESE COLORS DON'T RUN BABY!