Updated January 10 by Rick

Who Wants To Be An NFL Coach?


Jim Mora Doesn't Suck Dick To Get Out Of Tickets! Although that smile on his face makes me question that. 
 		      In today's highly competitive world of professional sports, few jobs carry as much prestige as that of NFL Coach.   It also happens to be one of the least secure jobs on the planet earth; even hookers can blow their way out of a ticket or a pimp slap every now and then.  (although I'm sure an NFL coach could probably do the same, I doubt it would keep his job)
     There loss is your gain, though; eventually the NFL is going to go through the equivalent of the population of actually qualified individuals by the year...oh wait, that event already happened years ago!  That means the time is right for YOU to become an NFL Coach.
Dennis Green was a successful coach in the NFL until it was discovered that he was indeed neither old or white 
  • Get an incredibly bad haircut: It's the law that all NFL coaches have horrible haircuts.  I think it's because most NFL coaches are former players who walked around wearing football helmets for the majority of their lives.  Is it gay that I notice their haircuts?  <sigh>I need to have a talk with my therapist.
  • Learn to make absolutely ludicrous statements. Most NFL coaches come off as total and complete dumbasses.  Not only do they make statements that are horribly dumb about football, their supposed expertise, but, they're more than willing to come off like a complete moron about a subject they know nothing about:  Listen to an NFL coach long enough and you're sure to hear that the option is an effective offense, the Earth is flat and that the Holocaust was caused by a group of really annoyed gray overgrown hamsters.
  • Be Old and White. Despite the fact that the majority of NFL players are black, the majority  of NFL coaches are old and white.  So, if you are black, it might be difficult to become old and white.  Don't worry, though, there are ways around this obstacle!  Kiss the man's ass!  Don't ever speak anything but British-style English-In fact, you might want to develop a British accent of your own.  It also might help to be Colon Powel or some other black person that isn't "upity"
  • Discontinue using antiperspirants Nothing says football like pit stains!  

Even Ronald Regan can be a football coach!  Or, at least play one on the Television. 		Yes, follow these simple suggestions and you too will be an NFL Coach; you will be expected to order around people who make in a game what you make in a year; you will be daily second-guessed; you will mocked for all your physical deformities, no matter how minor; you will be fired, even if you're enormously successful!  Congratulations!